Anger and Regret
by Laina Inverse
Summary: Kenneth has lost his best friend to the Collectors and the Reapers, discovering too late how he felt about her. Between Ice, Joker, and drinking he comes to terms with a choice. Stay or go. T for strong language and one f-bomb


AN: _So I recently completed an ME2 playthrough where this particular Shepard lost people through decisions made, including half the crew. When I learned that it included Gabby, I started wondering how Ken would feel. This is what popped out._

The Normandy 2.0 was a lot quieter with half the crew gone. Most of the remainder were in various stages of mourning. Everyone had lost someone. And it wasn't the rest of the crew that Kenneth Donnaly missed. It was his partner, Gabriella Daniels. His Gabby. The one who had taken half his duties, and now his were the only hands on the consoles, keeping the engines in line.

Only, she'd never really been his Gabby, had she? They'd had that sort of working relationship, and had never realized... _He_ had never realized how much she meant to him. And now she was gone. Killed by the Collectors. And by Shepard. By her delay.

His hands clenched, then loosened. He shouldn't blame his CO, he knew, but he hadn't gotten even a _chance_ to shoot the Collectors on the way out. He hadn't gotten even one little chance to take revenge for his Gabby. And that mercenary, Massani, had died for them too. Somehow, that just made it worse.

So who else could he really be angry at? Shepard had blown that base to fragments, but he'd shared card games and drinks with her. As well as was possible, he knew her, knew that she'd had good reason for delaying their rescue.

Ken hit the bulkhead in sheer frustration, ignorant of the sound of military boots on the grating behind him. Even knowing, it still pissed him off.

"Donnaly."

The Scottsman straightened, hurriedly turning to face Isabelle "Ice" Shepard. A hard woman, her dark-skinned face was lined with scars that had yet to fully heal. The faint red glow of implants in her eyes had him suppressing a shudder. He half-wished she'd get those fixed, but he'd gotten a sense of her liking the fact that she disturbed people this way.

"Commander?" He ventured after a minute.

"Walk with me a minute. You look like you need a drink."

This wasn't the first time she'd issued such an invitation. And a drink did sound like a good idea.

"Won't Kasumi mind?"

"I'm having her do some tech work on the main guns. Since Garrus..."

She cut herself off, but it wasn't grief that filled her eyes. It was anger, raw and primal. An anger that Ken found himself agreeing with. She'd lost four of her own people on the mission, as well as half the crew. It just seemed right that she be just as pissed off as he was about the loss.

"I think I can spare a few minutes."

It wasn't like he'd been focused on his work anyways. Not with Gabby's empty console beside him.

They went up a floor in surprisingly companionable silence, and to the Port Observation deck. Kasumi's room was, as promised, empty of the master thief. Or so it seemed, at least. For all Ken knew, she could be utilizing that fancy cloak of hers and hiding in plain sight.

The commander, however, seemed to not care, and just made for the bar. For a while, there wasn't a lot of talking, just drink after drink after drink. Ice's already impressive alcohol tolerance had been made even higher thanks to the rebuilding process.

"It's perfectly legit for you to be pissed," she said abruptly, turning to face him at last. "I sure as hell am. But if you're going to be pissed off and useless, you need to find another place."

That was Ice. Blunt and sharp. A very ruthless woman. In a way, it was good for her to lay things out so plainly. It gave him a target.

"Yes, Commander, I am pissed," he shot back, eyes narrowing. "You took your damn time gettin to us, and b'cause of it we lost Chambers, Rupert, and half the bloody crew! Gabby too! What the hell took you so damn long?"

She raised a thin, black brow. It looked... patronizing, which set him off.

"Everyone on board knew your rep, commander. When we woke up in those damned pods, it was the memory of that rep that kept us from giving into despair the way those Horizon colonists did!"

"If you know my reputation, then you damn well knew that I sacrificed everyone in my squad on Torfan to win," Her eyes were hard. "I ain't a damn heroic rescuer from a vid or a story. I do what's necessary to get the damn job done, and if that had required all of your lives, then it would have _taken_ all of your lives."

He was just plastered enough to throw the first punch. She redirected it, sending him tumbling off the stool and onto the metal floor.

"I am a certified grade A bitch, Donnaly," she told him as he tried to stagger to his feet. She knocked him back to the ground with a foot to his chest. "I think the most noble thing I've ever done was dying to save that damn idiot Joker's ass because he refused to abandon the ship. If you thought I'd get the job done, then damn right. If you thought I'd be unwilling to sacrifice others to _get_ the job done, you were dead wrong. And if it took you this goddamn long to notice that you had another person standing beside you that was more than you'd ever know, then too. Goddamn. Bad."

"T-too," he spluttered, unable to think up the right words to retaliate.

"Yeah. Too bad," she snapped. "Your ass got comfortable. You're a soldier, damnit all, engineer or not. You have training, and you knew we were involved in a _fucking_war! Lives are lost in a war, and you know what honors those goddamn lives? _When__the__survivors__live_."

Ken stared at her, his buzz slowly fading. It almost sounded like... but no. She rarely talked even to her own team; he'd heard Miranda complain about it enough. There was no way she was trying to give him her version of a pep talk.

"I ain't proud of all f'my damn choices," her voice was calmer now, and she removed hr boot from his chest. "But I made em. I have to live with em. And I'm damn well choosin t'live so that the lives I sacrificed were for _something_. And if you can't do that, I don't want you on my goddamn ship."

She tipped her head to the side suddenly, and her annoyed expression became blank, then downright frigid.

"On my way."

Ice swung of her stool, then eyed Ken, who reflexively straightened as he got to his feet.

"You want to throw a punch at me groundside and sober, I'll still kick your ass," she pointed out, smiling sharply. "But I think it's time you got your head out of the clouds of grief and back into work where it belongs. Or your Gabby may well return to kick your ass herself."

He watched with a sort of numb detachment as she strode out of the room, barely a wobble to her step, then sat on her abandoned stool, and started nursing a few more drinks. After about twenty minutes, the door whooshed open again, but instead of the expected Kasumi, it was Joker limping in.

"Don't mind the commander," he said, easing onto a stool. "She bitches a lot, but it's her way of looking out for people."

"Bitchin at them?" Donnaly raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, if you know her reputation, then you know her past. Kindness wasn't exactly a factor," the pilot pointed out. "Look man, I pulled her off because she was about to lay one on you, hard. She takes grief as an insult. That's why she was trying to piss you off. If you're pissed, she can deal with it. If you're moping, well..."

Ken smiled humorlessly, and downed another drink.

"Where does she get off tellin me how I ought t'be feelin about what she did and didn't do?" he asked angrily. "Whn all that crap started goin down around the Alliance-"

"That's Shepard for you. The second thing she did after she saw me was threaten to kill me herself if I ever tried going down with the ship again," Joker smirked at the startled look on Ken's face. "That's how she shows she cares. She's even more of a total bitch."

"...so what was the first thing she did?"

"Ah," Joker rubbed his neck, a little embarrassed. "Hugged me so hard that she almost broke all my ribs."

The engineer snorted a little into his drink. He couldn't ever picture the Commander hugging anyone, really. Relieved or not.

"Yeah, you think it's funny now. I had to spend two weeks in medical tape thanks to that. Doc Chakwas thought it was hilarious," Joker grimaced. "Didn't even get her to apologize."

Compaint though it was, Ken thought there was just a little bit of softness there. Maybe the commander and Joker had a relationship much like his and Gabby's had been. Maybe... maybe she did understand.

"And she thinks I can sustain anger long enough for it to matter?"

"Nah, man. Shepard just wants you focused like you were at the start of the mission. Ready to kick some ass and forget about the names. Hell, you could probably do it in Daniels' name and she'd be happy as a clam, or however happy clams get."

Kenneth rolled the empty glass in his hands, then gave Joker a sideways glance. The pilot shrugged.

"Don't hit the messenger. I break easily."

Again, the Scottsman snorted, smiling reluctantly.

"How did you deal with it when...?"

"Ah, hell, man, if you're looking for a touchy-feely story, go talk to Tali. Me, I was so pissed that she did that, I went and got piss drunk so that I could miss her funeral. It wasn't _her_ in the damn box and I wasn't going to salute to something empty. It would've been an insult."

Ken let out a low whistle, and it was Joker's turn to laugh mirthlessly.

"Of course she thought it was hysterical when I finally told her," the pilot shook his head. "Though at least she didn't mock me for it. Much."

"She's not what everyone idolizes when they hear about the Savior of the Citadel," Kenneth mused.

"Well duh. Those people don't know her, and she could frankly care less about them. Chasing Saren was personal at that point, way beyond what happened at Eden Prime. She's not a civilian pleaser, she's _definitely_ not very squishy, and half the time when she does something it's cause some idiot pissed her off. The other half she's doin it cause she feels like it. That's Ice."

That was his commander. Kenneth looked down at his empty glass, and thought about hr parting shot. It annoyed him to realize that she was right. Gabriella wouldhave kicked his ass on principle for moping. She'd fought all the way to the very end, and like hell he was going to dishonor that memory.

"Tell the commander I'll be down at my station," he said, pouring one more drink. "After I drink one more for the fallen."

Joker smirked, nodded, and got to his feet. Kenneth was staying, and he would kick ass in his best friend's—his beloved's—name. And that would be good enough for the Commander.


End file.
